Tomato soup is poor people's chili.

Today for dinner I had french toast.

I cheated on my colors test in kindergarten. I kept walking to the bathroom looking at everyone's answers, trying to see which color white was.

My necrophilia makes me a slut for zombies.

Whenever I leave my computer chair, my cat steals it.

I can't control myself with a box of orange tic tacs.

Photos of yourself always look completely different when they're flipped horizontally/mirrored.

If you're penis sword fighting someone, and you stab 'em in the ear, is that rape?

I cry when I burn pizza.

Lately I've obsessively kept my shoes shiny.

How come cupid can go around shooting people, but when I get naked and run around with a crossbow I get arrested?

I do not add anything positive to the white guys cant dance stereotype.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.

I just ate a penny out of boredom.

Beef Jerky is the manliest of snacks.

a pikachu hoodie is considered lingerie

I put my wiener in your coffee